Tip #4: Know your differences

Study any references to the body of Christ, and you will see that we are all very unique and have very unique roles to play in bringing about the Kingdom of God. Each part of the body needs all of the other parts, whether they want to recognize it or not. Because of our need for one another, our differences and our weaknesses can be made to be the strengths of the whole body. A marriage relationship is (or is at least meant to be) a microcosm of this beautiful arrangement.

The problem is, no one is in closer spiritual, emotional and physical proximity to us than our spouse. That means there is the potential to either put up invisible walls to protect oneself from any kind of real intimacy, or to create a warpath against being exposed. Fortunately, we can also learn to be made beautiful in our mutual vulnerability and respect for each other.

The Exercise:

1. Learn how you and your spouse are different in your thoughts, feelings and opinions. If you don’t know, make a point to ask some key questions such as, “How did you handle your emotions growing up?” “How do you think I handle mine?” “What do you think about what happened in Japan?” Use current situations in your life and in the world to discuss these things. Make sure that you know about each other’s pasts and upbringings. Often these give us excellent insight into our differences. Some people whose pasts have been very difficult may have trouble not only expressing emotions and thoughts, but even identifying them. If your spouse falls into this category, have patience and help them practice. This will take time. If it seems that practicing is not helping after a month or two, it may be time to seek professional help.

2. Respect any differences. You each have a right to your opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Remember that your opinion is not the only one that might have some merit. If you are disrespectful of your spouse’s opinion, you can expect that they will have a much more difficult time being open with you the next time. In order to develop emotional intimacy, it is imperative that you respect one another’s opinions.

3. Be honest and timely. Many of us think at times that we will save our spouse unnecessary stress if we simply do not share our feelings or thoughts with them. This thinking is shortsighted and inevitably winds up causing harm to the relationship in some way. Think of it like a pot of simmering water. If you don’t turn it down, it is going to boil over and either hurt someone or make a mess. Our emotions are the same way. If we ignore them or try to just push them down, they will eventually explode. When this happens, we end up causing a lot more stress for the spouse we were initially attempting to protect.