Tip #5: Understand the covenant relationship

The majority of this information comes from my dear friend and mentor Terry Nesbitt. Thank you Terry for teaching me this beautiful and sobering truth.

Most of us don't understand the severity of the wedding vows that we take. Many of us take them very seriously, but until we study the covenant relationship that was common in the Old Testament and still exists in some cultures today, we can never fully understand God's intentions for the marriage covenant. It is for this reason that I want to try to briefly walk you through the steps of "cutting covenant" and how this concept still carries over to contemporary times.

In the Old Testament, covenants were cut every time a promise was made between two parties. It was common practice in all middle eastern civilizations at the time. These covenants could be conditional (there were some specific legal grounds and exceptions for breaking the agreement), or unconditional (there were absolutely no legal grounds for breaking the agreement). Marriage relationships are conditional. There are a few reasons that the Bible gives as grounds for divorce, but they are limited to marital unfaithfulness, an unsaved spouse leaving, and abandonment or physical abuse. In all cases, God still hates divorce and desires reconciliation if at all possible.

As two parties began to cut a covenant, they first exchanged robes. This signified each taking on the identity of the other. In essence they were saying, "Everything that is important to you, is now just as important to me because I am in a covenant relationship with you." This idea is often described as two people becoming one. Clearly, this should be our attitude towards one another as we enter into marriage. It sometimes means sacrificing our own interests, but it is an important way of communicating respect and love to our spouse.

The second step was an exchange of weapons. This signified a promise to protect one another from enemies. In marriage, it is important to stand beside one another when others hurt or mistreat us. Often, we are tempted to complain and gossip about our spouses. Instead, our attitude should be to protect the dignity and reputation of our spouse.

Thirdly, the two parties exchanged belts. In biblical times, the belt was a symbol of strength. A belt held all the other garments in their proper place, signifying support and structure. We've already talked a great deal about being supportive of one anothers' needs. As we've discussed, this requires vulnerability, observation, selflessness, and openness. Keep practicing the exercises on caring for each others needs.

The next step in cutting covenant was the most bizarre, but also the most important. The two parties would go and gather several of their best animals and  cut them in half from head to toe. Then they would lay the pieces parallel to one another in two lines. Finally, they would walk together between the pieces of flesh. In doing this, it was understood that they were saying, "May the Lord do the same to me as we have done to these animals if I should break my covenant with my covenant partner." In other words, the covenant partners were willing to die to uphold their promises to one another. Are we willing to die to uphold our wedding vows? Perhaps more importantly, are we willing to die to our own needs, desires, and rights to walk side by side with our spouse?

Fifth, the two parties exchanged names with one another, again signifying the two becoming one and the merging of identities. We do this symbolically when the wife takes the last name of the husband, but the implication of the covenant is that this is a lasting promise to be united until death. That doesn't just mean staying together because it's the right thing. It means working hard to make a relationship that is lasting and meaningful. Marriage is not easy, even if you are the two most compatible individuals in the world.

After exchanging names, there was a meal to celebrate the founding of a new covenant relationship. It was meant to be as luxurious a meal as the two parties could afford and the sentiment was one of appreciation for the other person's willingness to uphold their end of the bargain. In light of this, we should be continuously celebrating our spouse as a way of saying, "Thank you." Find something to thank your spouse for everyday and find little (and occasionally big) ways to express this. Flowers, cards, notes, favorite meals or desserts, or simple verbal praise are just a few suggestions.

Finally, the covenant partners set up a memorial to remind them of the promises made to one another. The memorial we use in marriage is obviously our wedding rings. But I would suggest that these have become very superficial and that after a short time, we take them for granted or desire something bigger, better, or just more fashionable. This is not wrong in and of itself, but if our wedding rings do not invoke the memory of our vows as they were meant to, perhaps we need to find other ways of doing so. I once met a couple who restated their vows to one another every year on their anniversary as a way of keeping them fresh. I like to use post-it notes or computer documents to remind myself of the things I need to be working on in my marriage. Certainly simple communication between two partners is the best way to find out what things you are doing well and what things you need to work on.

The Exercise:
1. Take a poll of your marriage together. What portions of the covenant are you both upholding well? What things do you need to work on? Find a way to memorialize your vows and keep open the lines of communication.

2. Think about the things your spouse is doing well. Find a way to tell them how much you appreciate what they are doing to value your covenant relationship.

3. If you find you are struggling with a desire to break your marriage covenant, even for the acceptable reasons mentioned above, please seek out a godly marriage counselor. Again, remember that God's first preference is always reconciliation and if you are both willing to put forth the effort, God will be faithful to heal your relationship. If only one of you is willing, there is value in attempting to bridge the gap on your own. The Lord will reward your efforts.

Tip #4: Know your differences

Study any references to the body of Christ, and you will see that we are all very unique and have very unique roles to play in bringing about the Kingdom of God. Each part of the body needs all of the other parts, whether they want to recognize it or not. Because of our need for one another, our differences and our weaknesses can be made to be the strengths of the whole body. A marriage relationship is (or is at least meant to be) a microcosm of this beautiful arrangement.

The problem is, no one is in closer spiritual, emotional and physical proximity to us than our spouse. That means there is the potential to either put up invisible walls to protect oneself from any kind of real intimacy, or to create a warpath against being exposed. Fortunately, we can also learn to be made beautiful in our mutual vulnerability and respect for each other.

The Exercise:

1. Learn how you and your spouse are different in your thoughts, feelings and opinions. If you don’t know, make a point to ask some key questions such as, “How did you handle your emotions growing up?” “How do you think I handle mine?” “What do you think about what happened in Japan?” Use current situations in your life and in the world to discuss these things. Make sure that you know about each other’s pasts and upbringings. Often these give us excellent insight into our differences. Some people whose pasts have been very difficult may have trouble not only expressing emotions and thoughts, but even identifying them. If your spouse falls into this category, have patience and help them practice. This will take time. If it seems that practicing is not helping after a month or two, it may be time to seek professional help.

2. Respect any differences. You each have a right to your opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Remember that your opinion is not the only one that might have some merit. If you are disrespectful of your spouse’s opinion, you can expect that they will have a much more difficult time being open with you the next time. In order to develop emotional intimacy, it is imperative that you respect one another’s opinions.

3. Be honest and timely. Many of us think at times that we will save our spouse unnecessary stress if we simply do not share our feelings or thoughts with them. This thinking is shortsighted and inevitably winds up causing harm to the relationship in some way. Think of it like a pot of simmering water. If you don’t turn it down, it is going to boil over and either hurt someone or make a mess. Our emotions are the same way. If we ignore them or try to just push them down, they will eventually explode. When this happens, we end up causing a lot more stress for the spouse we were initially attempting to protect.