Ephesians 4:26-27 "Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil an opportunity."
OK, um... how? Are we supposed to delay the sun going down? Obviously not. Are we just supposed to stuff our emotions? No - even Christ showed extreme anger, sorrow and joy. Are we supposed to stay up until all hours to resolve the issue? I don't really think that works for anyone. In many cases, someone just gets too tired to fight anymore and there is no compromise, just a winner and a loser. Usually there is a consistent winner and this person begins to exert power and control over the loser, while the loser begins to feel inferior and insignificant. In other cases, there is no compromise and no resolution at all. Both parties just argue until they have reached a stalemate and both feel disrespected, under-valued and unheard. Both scenarios leave both parties still angry - usually more so than when the conversation started.
In the culture in which the Bible was written, the sunset rather than the sunrise marked the beginning of the new day. I think that Paul was saying that it is important to start the day afresh, keeping no record of wrongs from the day before (see I Corinthians 13:5). This is much easier said than done, especially if you've gotten into the habit of arguing. The good news about bad habits is that we can change them and replace them with good ones. I have a couple of suggestions for replacement habits.
1. Call a timeout. This is where you avoid falling into sinful behaviors such as putting one another down. It is important for you both to be aware of your own emotions and of the other person's. If you sense that you are or your spouse is becoming angry, ask for a timeout immediately. When a timeout is called, set a time to come back to the discussion (I recommend 1-2 hours) and respectfully separate from each other until the agreed time. During this time, engage in a hobby - something that calms you down. Exercise is a great way to spend a portion of this time because it releases endorphins in the brain. Endorphins are chemicals that have been proven to promote an improved mood. There is also research that shows that games such as Tetrus, Sudoku, cross word puzzles or other logic based games help calm the parts of the brain involved in emotion and reengage the parts involved in logic and reason. Some also find it helpful to utilize relaxation techniques (type relaxation techniques into your internet browser to learn more) or journaling during this time.
2. Be sure to forgive. Forgiveness is the most important part of a timeout. This is the part where you stop being angry. Let's take a minute to talk about what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. I cannot find the phrase "forgive and forget" anywhere in the Bible. What the Bible does say is that God forgives us and "remembers our sins no more." Revelation paints a picture of God casting our sins into the sea of glass at the foot of His throne. If they are in such close proximity to Him, could He not simply retrieve them if He wanted to? Of course He could. The implication is that He chooses not to remember them even though He could. We do not always have the ability to do this, but we do have the Holy Spirit to help us if we are Believers.
Forgiveness is also NOT reconciliation. Forgiveness is commanded by God (see Eph. 4:32 for one of many examples) and is defined as giving your right to seek revenge and justice over to God. If we allow God to have control over the consequences of a hurt we have endured, we will find our bruised emotions beginning to be healed. If we hang on to that control, we continue to become bitter and miserable. The person we hurt the most in this process is ourselves because there is often little we can do to bring about justice, thus perpetuating the cycle of anger. Forgiveness is not easy, especially when we are first learning to do it. But God promises to give us strength for any task he has handed us. If you have forgiven an offense and find yourself becoming angry over it again, it is not that you need to forgive again. You need to ask God to help you give Him back the control over the situation and to continue to heal your emotional wounds. Ask Him to help you see the other person with His eyes rather than your own.
3. Reconcile. At the time you agreed to re-open the conversation, come back together. Begin the conversation by apologizing for something - anything. Focus on what your spouse is trying to communicate to you and how you can meet their needs. Communicate what you need by carefully avoiding accusing, blaming, name-calling, belittling and comparing. Employ the listening and repeating technique to be sure you are both being heard. Begin thinking about how you are willing to compromise to come to some sort of resolution. If the conversation begins to go south again, there is nothing wrong with taking a second timeout. Eventually you will need less and less timeouts and the whole process will become much easier.
I know that this was a long and complicated tip, but I believe that for many couples it is a very important lesson in how to disagree with one another. It takes a lot of practice and a lot of patience so keep trying if you don't get it right away. If children create a logistical problem with this, have a plan in mind ahead of time. See if there is a family member, friend or neighbor nearby who can watch them for a couple of hours. If you have a playroom or family room, ask your children to play quietly there while Mom and Dad have an important conversation. If none of these are options, put on a favorite movie or television show or put them to bed early. And remember, it is not always bad for your kids to see Mom and Dad disagree, especially if they see a loving resolution.