Tip #2 Practice Listening and Repeating

James 1:19-20 "But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."

I believe that there are two reasons that God instituted marriage and neither involves making us happy. The first reason is to bring glory to God. Everything we do should ultimately bring glory to Him because that is why He created us. He is so holy and so righteous that he must be praised and glorified, and so He made humankind in His image to worship Him. The Bible refers to marriage as a metaphor for God's relationship with humans many times. For this reason, there is nothing quite like a healthy, godly marriage to bring glory to God.

The second reason for marriage is to make us more holy - more like Christ. In Isaiah, the prophet speaks of God purifying us and adorning us in gorgeous wedding garb. In order to be the bride of Christ, we must be made holy first. This is the work of the Holy Spirit alone, but He can use people to influence us to become more holy. His desire for marriage is that our spouse would be the greatest influence on our holiness.

How do we do this? The above verse gives us some clues. Last week we talked about our innate desire to be heard which interrupts our ability to hear. James says to set this desire aside and to hear one another instead. Then, we are to be slow to speak. So many times, when our spouse is communicating something we don't necessarily like, we are busy preparing our rebuttal and we do not hear what the other is saying. Instead, we need first to listen. In order to practice listening, I encourage you to stop thinking about your response and instead, prepare to repeat back to your spouse what they have said. When they confirm that you have heard correctly, then you may respond to them.

The verse also tells us to be slow to anger. What does this mean and how do we accomplish this? I encourage the use of time-outs and forgiveness, both of which we will discuss more in depth later on. For now, what you need to know is that if a conversation becomes too hot to handle, it's okay to walk away for a time. Just make sure you follow three rules - 1. Use the time to calm yourself down by exercising, engaging in a hobby, or writing in a journal, and definitely by praying. 2. Think about the other's needs and how you can meet them. 3. Agree on a time to come back to the conversation, preferably that same day.

Again, we will cover in more detail taking time-outs and forgiving one another in another post. For this week, practice listening and repeating. This will further allow you to both be heard and meet each other's needs more effectively.

Tip # 1: Put your spouse first

Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." (NASB)

When we communicate with one another, it is in our human nature to want to be heard. When we feel we aren't heard, we find it difficult to hear anyone else until we know we have gotten our point accross. When two people are both struggling to be heard, it is nearly impossible for either of them to listen, so tempers flare and needs go unmet.

What would it look like if we each were thinking more about meeting the other person's needs than our own? We would hear what they were telling us the first time and many an ugly argument would be avoided. And if we did this for each other, we would meet each other's needs much more effectively.

Sound backwards? Society would say that it is. We are constantly bombarded by the media telling us to "look out for number 1." "Follow your heart." "Be true to yourself." These soundbites are contrary to Scripture and usually make for a pretty miserable marriage in which hurt, anger, mistrust and selfishness are bred.

THE EXERCISE:
Want to be heard? Try listening. Over the next week, practice setting aside your right to be heard and listen to what your spouse is trying to communicate. Find out what he or she needs from you and find a way to deliver. Ask if what you've done was helpful. If not, ask what more you can do. Remember, if you're doing this for each other, your spouse should be taking care of your needs too. But don't be afraid to communicate what you need too. Look back at the verse. It doesn't say not to worry about your own needs, it just says to make sure you're just as concerned about the needs of others.

For those of you attempting this on your own, be encouraged. Putting yourself second will be more difficult for you because your spouse has not committed to this as well. But if you practice this exercise, it will be very difficult for your spouse not to notice a change and respond differently. Above all else, remember to keep praying for yourself and for your spouse.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog. My name is Abby and I am a practicing Marriage and Family Counselor. I have a true passion for helping marriages succeed and, at least for a while, this will be the focus of this blog. Please join me for a free weekly tip and exercise on how to improve your marriage. Invite your friends! Even if your marriage is already great, I think that you will find it even more satisfying as you commence on this journey.

Obviously, it would be ideal if you and your spouse would follow these tips together. Some of you may find yourselves in a less than ideal situation, however.  If that is the case, I invite you to use these steps on your own to make an impact on your marriage. You might be surprised by the response you get!

Let me close by adding that I will be praying for you throughout this process. Feel free to post any questions or comments that you may have along the way.