"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16
"But encourage one aonther day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." Hebrews 3:13
Ok, so let's be honest for a moment. We are human and sometimes we just cannot agree. Sometimes the things that we disagree about are big decisions that will change the course of our lives. Sometimes, God calls one of us to make a drastic decision and the other is just not sure that God is calling them in the same direction. Think this is new, or perhaps that it is unique to you? Think again.
Let's look at the story of Abram for a moment. When God first spoke to Abram and told him to go to a land that He would show him (see Genesis 12), how do you think Sarai felt about this? They had no children, no sons to care for her if something were to happen to Abram. In their culture, a widow without sons to care for her quickly became destitute. Furthermore, they were leaving behind everything and everyone she knew. And where exactly were they going? Why were they going? Abram couldn't tell her because God hadn't told him! Sound like fun to you? Scripture doesn't tell us Sarai's reaction. Perhaps she did leave willingly, but surely there was at least a twinge of rebellion!
For so many of us, situations much less severe than this bring about all out war in our homes. How do we avoid this and come to a decision that pleases God, follows His will, and keeps us from killing one another? We must pray - individually and together - and we must encourage one another to trust and obey that which God calls us to do so that we do not fall into sin.
The exercise:
1. Make sure that your own relationship with God is strong. Have time devoted to prayer and Bible study as close to every day as possible. Make it personal. The only way to truly commune with God and know His voice is to be in His business and allow Him to be in yours. Struggling with that? Ask Him to help you. It might not be the most pleasant thing at first, but the rewards are innumerable and eternal.
2. Pray together. Yes, it's important to pray together when we are struggling with something, but it is also imperative to pray together on a regular basis. This way, we are much more quick to know what is on our spouse's heart and it will not be as uncomfortable when you are praying for something about which you disagree. If that's where you find yourself now, pray that you would both have the mind of Christ on the matter. If you are truly willing for God to change your mind, you will be surprised at how easily and quickly He can do it. If you are not struggling with a big decision right now, trust me, you will be someday. Better to make praying together instinctual now than be left floundering when trials come. I don't think that praying together has to be every day, nor does it need to take an hour. In fact, five minutes three times a week could easily get the job done. Set a realistic goal that works for you.
3. Encourage each other. There might be times that you really don't like what God is calling you to do. But if God has made it clear through the first two steps that you are to do it, encourage one another to obey. Remind one another of Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" Any unpleasant job God asks us to do is for our welfare and benefit, not to destroy us. The journey may be difficult, treacherous, even fatal, but God has a plan FOR YOU.
I Lift My Voice
Search This Blog
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Tip #5: Understand the covenant relationship
The majority of this information comes from my dear friend and mentor Terry Nesbitt. Thank you Terry for teaching me this beautiful and sobering truth.
Most of us don't understand the severity of the wedding vows that we take. Many of us take them very seriously, but until we study the covenant relationship that was common in the Old Testament and still exists in some cultures today, we can never fully understand God's intentions for the marriage covenant. It is for this reason that I want to try to briefly walk you through the steps of "cutting covenant" and how this concept still carries over to contemporary times.
In the Old Testament, covenants were cut every time a promise was made between two parties. It was common practice in all middle eastern civilizations at the time. These covenants could be conditional (there were some specific legal grounds and exceptions for breaking the agreement), or unconditional (there were absolutely no legal grounds for breaking the agreement). Marriage relationships are conditional. There are a few reasons that the Bible gives as grounds for divorce, but they are limited to marital unfaithfulness, an unsaved spouse leaving, and abandonment or physical abuse. In all cases, God still hates divorce and desires reconciliation if at all possible.
As two parties began to cut a covenant, they first exchanged robes. This signified each taking on the identity of the other. In essence they were saying, "Everything that is important to you, is now just as important to me because I am in a covenant relationship with you." This idea is often described as two people becoming one. Clearly, this should be our attitude towards one another as we enter into marriage. It sometimes means sacrificing our own interests, but it is an important way of communicating respect and love to our spouse.
The second step was an exchange of weapons. This signified a promise to protect one another from enemies. In marriage, it is important to stand beside one another when others hurt or mistreat us. Often, we are tempted to complain and gossip about our spouses. Instead, our attitude should be to protect the dignity and reputation of our spouse.
Thirdly, the two parties exchanged belts. In biblical times, the belt was a symbol of strength. A belt held all the other garments in their proper place, signifying support and structure. We've already talked a great deal about being supportive of one anothers' needs. As we've discussed, this requires vulnerability, observation, selflessness, and openness. Keep practicing the exercises on caring for each others needs.
The next step in cutting covenant was the most bizarre, but also the most important. The two parties would go and gather several of their best animals and cut them in half from head to toe. Then they would lay the pieces parallel to one another in two lines. Finally, they would walk together between the pieces of flesh. In doing this, it was understood that they were saying, "May the Lord do the same to me as we have done to these animals if I should break my covenant with my covenant partner." In other words, the covenant partners were willing to die to uphold their promises to one another. Are we willing to die to uphold our wedding vows? Perhaps more importantly, are we willing to die to our own needs, desires, and rights to walk side by side with our spouse?
Fifth, the two parties exchanged names with one another, again signifying the two becoming one and the merging of identities. We do this symbolically when the wife takes the last name of the husband, but the implication of the covenant is that this is a lasting promise to be united until death. That doesn't just mean staying together because it's the right thing. It means working hard to make a relationship that is lasting and meaningful. Marriage is not easy, even if you are the two most compatible individuals in the world.
After exchanging names, there was a meal to celebrate the founding of a new covenant relationship. It was meant to be as luxurious a meal as the two parties could afford and the sentiment was one of appreciation for the other person's willingness to uphold their end of the bargain. In light of this, we should be continuously celebrating our spouse as a way of saying, "Thank you." Find something to thank your spouse for everyday and find little (and occasionally big) ways to express this. Flowers, cards, notes, favorite meals or desserts, or simple verbal praise are just a few suggestions.
Finally, the covenant partners set up a memorial to remind them of the promises made to one another. The memorial we use in marriage is obviously our wedding rings. But I would suggest that these have become very superficial and that after a short time, we take them for granted or desire something bigger, better, or just more fashionable. This is not wrong in and of itself, but if our wedding rings do not invoke the memory of our vows as they were meant to, perhaps we need to find other ways of doing so. I once met a couple who restated their vows to one another every year on their anniversary as a way of keeping them fresh. I like to use post-it notes or computer documents to remind myself of the things I need to be working on in my marriage. Certainly simple communication between two partners is the best way to find out what things you are doing well and what things you need to work on.
The Exercise:
1. Take a poll of your marriage together. What portions of the covenant are you both upholding well? What things do you need to work on? Find a way to memorialize your vows and keep open the lines of communication.
2. Think about the things your spouse is doing well. Find a way to tell them how much you appreciate what they are doing to value your covenant relationship.
3. If you find you are struggling with a desire to break your marriage covenant, even for the acceptable reasons mentioned above, please seek out a godly marriage counselor. Again, remember that God's first preference is always reconciliation and if you are both willing to put forth the effort, God will be faithful to heal your relationship. If only one of you is willing, there is value in attempting to bridge the gap on your own. The Lord will reward your efforts.
Most of us don't understand the severity of the wedding vows that we take. Many of us take them very seriously, but until we study the covenant relationship that was common in the Old Testament and still exists in some cultures today, we can never fully understand God's intentions for the marriage covenant. It is for this reason that I want to try to briefly walk you through the steps of "cutting covenant" and how this concept still carries over to contemporary times.
In the Old Testament, covenants were cut every time a promise was made between two parties. It was common practice in all middle eastern civilizations at the time. These covenants could be conditional (there were some specific legal grounds and exceptions for breaking the agreement), or unconditional (there were absolutely no legal grounds for breaking the agreement). Marriage relationships are conditional. There are a few reasons that the Bible gives as grounds for divorce, but they are limited to marital unfaithfulness, an unsaved spouse leaving, and abandonment or physical abuse. In all cases, God still hates divorce and desires reconciliation if at all possible.
As two parties began to cut a covenant, they first exchanged robes. This signified each taking on the identity of the other. In essence they were saying, "Everything that is important to you, is now just as important to me because I am in a covenant relationship with you." This idea is often described as two people becoming one. Clearly, this should be our attitude towards one another as we enter into marriage. It sometimes means sacrificing our own interests, but it is an important way of communicating respect and love to our spouse.
The second step was an exchange of weapons. This signified a promise to protect one another from enemies. In marriage, it is important to stand beside one another when others hurt or mistreat us. Often, we are tempted to complain and gossip about our spouses. Instead, our attitude should be to protect the dignity and reputation of our spouse.
Thirdly, the two parties exchanged belts. In biblical times, the belt was a symbol of strength. A belt held all the other garments in their proper place, signifying support and structure. We've already talked a great deal about being supportive of one anothers' needs. As we've discussed, this requires vulnerability, observation, selflessness, and openness. Keep practicing the exercises on caring for each others needs.
The next step in cutting covenant was the most bizarre, but also the most important. The two parties would go and gather several of their best animals and cut them in half from head to toe. Then they would lay the pieces parallel to one another in two lines. Finally, they would walk together between the pieces of flesh. In doing this, it was understood that they were saying, "May the Lord do the same to me as we have done to these animals if I should break my covenant with my covenant partner." In other words, the covenant partners were willing to die to uphold their promises to one another. Are we willing to die to uphold our wedding vows? Perhaps more importantly, are we willing to die to our own needs, desires, and rights to walk side by side with our spouse?
Fifth, the two parties exchanged names with one another, again signifying the two becoming one and the merging of identities. We do this symbolically when the wife takes the last name of the husband, but the implication of the covenant is that this is a lasting promise to be united until death. That doesn't just mean staying together because it's the right thing. It means working hard to make a relationship that is lasting and meaningful. Marriage is not easy, even if you are the two most compatible individuals in the world.
After exchanging names, there was a meal to celebrate the founding of a new covenant relationship. It was meant to be as luxurious a meal as the two parties could afford and the sentiment was one of appreciation for the other person's willingness to uphold their end of the bargain. In light of this, we should be continuously celebrating our spouse as a way of saying, "Thank you." Find something to thank your spouse for everyday and find little (and occasionally big) ways to express this. Flowers, cards, notes, favorite meals or desserts, or simple verbal praise are just a few suggestions.
Finally, the covenant partners set up a memorial to remind them of the promises made to one another. The memorial we use in marriage is obviously our wedding rings. But I would suggest that these have become very superficial and that after a short time, we take them for granted or desire something bigger, better, or just more fashionable. This is not wrong in and of itself, but if our wedding rings do not invoke the memory of our vows as they were meant to, perhaps we need to find other ways of doing so. I once met a couple who restated their vows to one another every year on their anniversary as a way of keeping them fresh. I like to use post-it notes or computer documents to remind myself of the things I need to be working on in my marriage. Certainly simple communication between two partners is the best way to find out what things you are doing well and what things you need to work on.
The Exercise:
1. Take a poll of your marriage together. What portions of the covenant are you both upholding well? What things do you need to work on? Find a way to memorialize your vows and keep open the lines of communication.
2. Think about the things your spouse is doing well. Find a way to tell them how much you appreciate what they are doing to value your covenant relationship.
3. If you find you are struggling with a desire to break your marriage covenant, even for the acceptable reasons mentioned above, please seek out a godly marriage counselor. Again, remember that God's first preference is always reconciliation and if you are both willing to put forth the effort, God will be faithful to heal your relationship. If only one of you is willing, there is value in attempting to bridge the gap on your own. The Lord will reward your efforts.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tip #4: Know your differences
Study any references to the body of Christ, and you will see that we are all very unique and have very unique roles to play in bringing about the Kingdom of God. Each part of the body needs all of the other parts, whether they want to recognize it or not. Because of our need for one another, our differences and our weaknesses can be made to be the strengths of the whole body. A marriage relationship is (or is at least meant to be) a microcosm of this beautiful arrangement.
The problem is, no one is in closer spiritual, emotional and physical proximity to us than our spouse. That means there is the potential to either put up invisible walls to protect oneself from any kind of real intimacy, or to create a warpath against being exposed. Fortunately, we can also learn to be made beautiful in our mutual vulnerability and respect for each other.
The Exercise:
1. Learn how you and your spouse are different in your thoughts, feelings and opinions. If you don’t know, make a point to ask some key questions such as, “How did you handle your emotions growing up?” “How do you think I handle mine?” “What do you think about what happened in Japan?” Use current situations in your life and in the world to discuss these things. Make sure that you know about each other’s pasts and upbringings. Often these give us excellent insight into our differences. Some people whose pasts have been very difficult may have trouble not only expressing emotions and thoughts, but even identifying them. If your spouse falls into this category, have patience and help them practice. This will take time. If it seems that practicing is not helping after a month or two, it may be time to seek professional help.
2. Respect any differences. You each have a right to your opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Remember that your opinion is not the only one that might have some merit. If you are disrespectful of your spouse’s opinion, you can expect that they will have a much more difficult time being open with you the next time. In order to develop emotional intimacy, it is imperative that you respect one another’s opinions.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tip #3: Make your timeouts count
Ephesians 4:26-27 "Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil an opportunity."
OK, um... how? Are we supposed to delay the sun going down? Obviously not. Are we just supposed to stuff our emotions? No - even Christ showed extreme anger, sorrow and joy. Are we supposed to stay up until all hours to resolve the issue? I don't really think that works for anyone. In many cases, someone just gets too tired to fight anymore and there is no compromise, just a winner and a loser. Usually there is a consistent winner and this person begins to exert power and control over the loser, while the loser begins to feel inferior and insignificant. In other cases, there is no compromise and no resolution at all. Both parties just argue until they have reached a stalemate and both feel disrespected, under-valued and unheard. Both scenarios leave both parties still angry - usually more so than when the conversation started.
In the culture in which the Bible was written, the sunset rather than the sunrise marked the beginning of the new day. I think that Paul was saying that it is important to start the day afresh, keeping no record of wrongs from the day before (see I Corinthians 13:5). This is much easier said than done, especially if you've gotten into the habit of arguing. The good news about bad habits is that we can change them and replace them with good ones. I have a couple of suggestions for replacement habits.
1. Call a timeout. This is where you avoid falling into sinful behaviors such as putting one another down. It is important for you both to be aware of your own emotions and of the other person's. If you sense that you are or your spouse is becoming angry, ask for a timeout immediately. When a timeout is called, set a time to come back to the discussion (I recommend 1-2 hours) and respectfully separate from each other until the agreed time. During this time, engage in a hobby - something that calms you down. Exercise is a great way to spend a portion of this time because it releases endorphins in the brain. Endorphins are chemicals that have been proven to promote an improved mood. There is also research that shows that games such as Tetrus, Sudoku, cross word puzzles or other logic based games help calm the parts of the brain involved in emotion and reengage the parts involved in logic and reason. Some also find it helpful to utilize relaxation techniques (type relaxation techniques into your internet browser to learn more) or journaling during this time.
2. Be sure to forgive. Forgiveness is the most important part of a timeout. This is the part where you stop being angry. Let's take a minute to talk about what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. I cannot find the phrase "forgive and forget" anywhere in the Bible. What the Bible does say is that God forgives us and "remembers our sins no more." Revelation paints a picture of God casting our sins into the sea of glass at the foot of His throne. If they are in such close proximity to Him, could He not simply retrieve them if He wanted to? Of course He could. The implication is that He chooses not to remember them even though He could. We do not always have the ability to do this, but we do have the Holy Spirit to help us if we are Believers.
Forgiveness is also NOT reconciliation. Forgiveness is commanded by God (see Eph. 4:32 for one of many examples) and is defined as giving your right to seek revenge and justice over to God. If we allow God to have control over the consequences of a hurt we have endured, we will find our bruised emotions beginning to be healed. If we hang on to that control, we continue to become bitter and miserable. The person we hurt the most in this process is ourselves because there is often little we can do to bring about justice, thus perpetuating the cycle of anger. Forgiveness is not easy, especially when we are first learning to do it. But God promises to give us strength for any task he has handed us. If you have forgiven an offense and find yourself becoming angry over it again, it is not that you need to forgive again. You need to ask God to help you give Him back the control over the situation and to continue to heal your emotional wounds. Ask Him to help you see the other person with His eyes rather than your own.
3. Reconcile. At the time you agreed to re-open the conversation, come back together. Begin the conversation by apologizing for something - anything. Focus on what your spouse is trying to communicate to you and how you can meet their needs. Communicate what you need by carefully avoiding accusing, blaming, name-calling, belittling and comparing. Employ the listening and repeating technique to be sure you are both being heard. Begin thinking about how you are willing to compromise to come to some sort of resolution. If the conversation begins to go south again, there is nothing wrong with taking a second timeout. Eventually you will need less and less timeouts and the whole process will become much easier.
I know that this was a long and complicated tip, but I believe that for many couples it is a very important lesson in how to disagree with one another. It takes a lot of practice and a lot of patience so keep trying if you don't get it right away. If children create a logistical problem with this, have a plan in mind ahead of time. See if there is a family member, friend or neighbor nearby who can watch them for a couple of hours. If you have a playroom or family room, ask your children to play quietly there while Mom and Dad have an important conversation. If none of these are options, put on a favorite movie or television show or put them to bed early. And remember, it is not always bad for your kids to see Mom and Dad disagree, especially if they see a loving resolution.
OK, um... how? Are we supposed to delay the sun going down? Obviously not. Are we just supposed to stuff our emotions? No - even Christ showed extreme anger, sorrow and joy. Are we supposed to stay up until all hours to resolve the issue? I don't really think that works for anyone. In many cases, someone just gets too tired to fight anymore and there is no compromise, just a winner and a loser. Usually there is a consistent winner and this person begins to exert power and control over the loser, while the loser begins to feel inferior and insignificant. In other cases, there is no compromise and no resolution at all. Both parties just argue until they have reached a stalemate and both feel disrespected, under-valued and unheard. Both scenarios leave both parties still angry - usually more so than when the conversation started.
In the culture in which the Bible was written, the sunset rather than the sunrise marked the beginning of the new day. I think that Paul was saying that it is important to start the day afresh, keeping no record of wrongs from the day before (see I Corinthians 13:5). This is much easier said than done, especially if you've gotten into the habit of arguing. The good news about bad habits is that we can change them and replace them with good ones. I have a couple of suggestions for replacement habits.
1. Call a timeout. This is where you avoid falling into sinful behaviors such as putting one another down. It is important for you both to be aware of your own emotions and of the other person's. If you sense that you are or your spouse is becoming angry, ask for a timeout immediately. When a timeout is called, set a time to come back to the discussion (I recommend 1-2 hours) and respectfully separate from each other until the agreed time. During this time, engage in a hobby - something that calms you down. Exercise is a great way to spend a portion of this time because it releases endorphins in the brain. Endorphins are chemicals that have been proven to promote an improved mood. There is also research that shows that games such as Tetrus, Sudoku, cross word puzzles or other logic based games help calm the parts of the brain involved in emotion and reengage the parts involved in logic and reason. Some also find it helpful to utilize relaxation techniques (type relaxation techniques into your internet browser to learn more) or journaling during this time.
2. Be sure to forgive. Forgiveness is the most important part of a timeout. This is the part where you stop being angry. Let's take a minute to talk about what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. I cannot find the phrase "forgive and forget" anywhere in the Bible. What the Bible does say is that God forgives us and "remembers our sins no more." Revelation paints a picture of God casting our sins into the sea of glass at the foot of His throne. If they are in such close proximity to Him, could He not simply retrieve them if He wanted to? Of course He could. The implication is that He chooses not to remember them even though He could. We do not always have the ability to do this, but we do have the Holy Spirit to help us if we are Believers.
Forgiveness is also NOT reconciliation. Forgiveness is commanded by God (see Eph. 4:32 for one of many examples) and is defined as giving your right to seek revenge and justice over to God. If we allow God to have control over the consequences of a hurt we have endured, we will find our bruised emotions beginning to be healed. If we hang on to that control, we continue to become bitter and miserable. The person we hurt the most in this process is ourselves because there is often little we can do to bring about justice, thus perpetuating the cycle of anger. Forgiveness is not easy, especially when we are first learning to do it. But God promises to give us strength for any task he has handed us. If you have forgiven an offense and find yourself becoming angry over it again, it is not that you need to forgive again. You need to ask God to help you give Him back the control over the situation and to continue to heal your emotional wounds. Ask Him to help you see the other person with His eyes rather than your own.
3. Reconcile. At the time you agreed to re-open the conversation, come back together. Begin the conversation by apologizing for something - anything. Focus on what your spouse is trying to communicate to you and how you can meet their needs. Communicate what you need by carefully avoiding accusing, blaming, name-calling, belittling and comparing. Employ the listening and repeating technique to be sure you are both being heard. Begin thinking about how you are willing to compromise to come to some sort of resolution. If the conversation begins to go south again, there is nothing wrong with taking a second timeout. Eventually you will need less and less timeouts and the whole process will become much easier.
I know that this was a long and complicated tip, but I believe that for many couples it is a very important lesson in how to disagree with one another. It takes a lot of practice and a lot of patience so keep trying if you don't get it right away. If children create a logistical problem with this, have a plan in mind ahead of time. See if there is a family member, friend or neighbor nearby who can watch them for a couple of hours. If you have a playroom or family room, ask your children to play quietly there while Mom and Dad have an important conversation. If none of these are options, put on a favorite movie or television show or put them to bed early. And remember, it is not always bad for your kids to see Mom and Dad disagree, especially if they see a loving resolution.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tip #2 Practice Listening and Repeating
James 1:19-20 "But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."
I believe that there are two reasons that God instituted marriage and neither involves making us happy. The first reason is to bring glory to God. Everything we do should ultimately bring glory to Him because that is why He created us. He is so holy and so righteous that he must be praised and glorified, and so He made humankind in His image to worship Him. The Bible refers to marriage as a metaphor for God's relationship with humans many times. For this reason, there is nothing quite like a healthy, godly marriage to bring glory to God.
The second reason for marriage is to make us more holy - more like Christ. In Isaiah, the prophet speaks of God purifying us and adorning us in gorgeous wedding garb. In order to be the bride of Christ, we must be made holy first. This is the work of the Holy Spirit alone, but He can use people to influence us to become more holy. His desire for marriage is that our spouse would be the greatest influence on our holiness.
How do we do this? The above verse gives us some clues. Last week we talked about our innate desire to be heard which interrupts our ability to hear. James says to set this desire aside and to hear one another instead. Then, we are to be slow to speak. So many times, when our spouse is communicating something we don't necessarily like, we are busy preparing our rebuttal and we do not hear what the other is saying. Instead, we need first to listen. In order to practice listening, I encourage you to stop thinking about your response and instead, prepare to repeat back to your spouse what they have said. When they confirm that you have heard correctly, then you may respond to them.
The verse also tells us to be slow to anger. What does this mean and how do we accomplish this? I encourage the use of time-outs and forgiveness, both of which we will discuss more in depth later on. For now, what you need to know is that if a conversation becomes too hot to handle, it's okay to walk away for a time. Just make sure you follow three rules - 1. Use the time to calm yourself down by exercising, engaging in a hobby, or writing in a journal, and definitely by praying. 2. Think about the other's needs and how you can meet them. 3. Agree on a time to come back to the conversation, preferably that same day.
Again, we will cover in more detail taking time-outs and forgiving one another in another post. For this week, practice listening and repeating. This will further allow you to both be heard and meet each other's needs more effectively.
I believe that there are two reasons that God instituted marriage and neither involves making us happy. The first reason is to bring glory to God. Everything we do should ultimately bring glory to Him because that is why He created us. He is so holy and so righteous that he must be praised and glorified, and so He made humankind in His image to worship Him. The Bible refers to marriage as a metaphor for God's relationship with humans many times. For this reason, there is nothing quite like a healthy, godly marriage to bring glory to God.
The second reason for marriage is to make us more holy - more like Christ. In Isaiah, the prophet speaks of God purifying us and adorning us in gorgeous wedding garb. In order to be the bride of Christ, we must be made holy first. This is the work of the Holy Spirit alone, but He can use people to influence us to become more holy. His desire for marriage is that our spouse would be the greatest influence on our holiness.
How do we do this? The above verse gives us some clues. Last week we talked about our innate desire to be heard which interrupts our ability to hear. James says to set this desire aside and to hear one another instead. Then, we are to be slow to speak. So many times, when our spouse is communicating something we don't necessarily like, we are busy preparing our rebuttal and we do not hear what the other is saying. Instead, we need first to listen. In order to practice listening, I encourage you to stop thinking about your response and instead, prepare to repeat back to your spouse what they have said. When they confirm that you have heard correctly, then you may respond to them.
The verse also tells us to be slow to anger. What does this mean and how do we accomplish this? I encourage the use of time-outs and forgiveness, both of which we will discuss more in depth later on. For now, what you need to know is that if a conversation becomes too hot to handle, it's okay to walk away for a time. Just make sure you follow three rules - 1. Use the time to calm yourself down by exercising, engaging in a hobby, or writing in a journal, and definitely by praying. 2. Think about the other's needs and how you can meet them. 3. Agree on a time to come back to the conversation, preferably that same day.
Again, we will cover in more detail taking time-outs and forgiving one another in another post. For this week, practice listening and repeating. This will further allow you to both be heard and meet each other's needs more effectively.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tip # 1: Put your spouse first
Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." (NASB)
When we communicate with one another, it is in our human nature to want to be heard. When we feel we aren't heard, we find it difficult to hear anyone else until we know we have gotten our point accross. When two people are both struggling to be heard, it is nearly impossible for either of them to listen, so tempers flare and needs go unmet.
What would it look like if we each were thinking more about meeting the other person's needs than our own? We would hear what they were telling us the first time and many an ugly argument would be avoided. And if we did this for each other, we would meet each other's needs much more effectively.
Sound backwards? Society would say that it is. We are constantly bombarded by the media telling us to "look out for number 1." "Follow your heart." "Be true to yourself." These soundbites are contrary to Scripture and usually make for a pretty miserable marriage in which hurt, anger, mistrust and selfishness are bred.
THE EXERCISE:
Want to be heard? Try listening. Over the next week, practice setting aside your right to be heard and listen to what your spouse is trying to communicate. Find out what he or she needs from you and find a way to deliver. Ask if what you've done was helpful. If not, ask what more you can do. Remember, if you're doing this for each other, your spouse should be taking care of your needs too. But don't be afraid to communicate what you need too. Look back at the verse. It doesn't say not to worry about your own needs, it just says to make sure you're just as concerned about the needs of others.
For those of you attempting this on your own, be encouraged. Putting yourself second will be more difficult for you because your spouse has not committed to this as well. But if you practice this exercise, it will be very difficult for your spouse not to notice a change and respond differently. Above all else, remember to keep praying for yourself and for your spouse.
When we communicate with one another, it is in our human nature to want to be heard. When we feel we aren't heard, we find it difficult to hear anyone else until we know we have gotten our point accross. When two people are both struggling to be heard, it is nearly impossible for either of them to listen, so tempers flare and needs go unmet.
What would it look like if we each were thinking more about meeting the other person's needs than our own? We would hear what they were telling us the first time and many an ugly argument would be avoided. And if we did this for each other, we would meet each other's needs much more effectively.
Sound backwards? Society would say that it is. We are constantly bombarded by the media telling us to "look out for number 1." "Follow your heart." "Be true to yourself." These soundbites are contrary to Scripture and usually make for a pretty miserable marriage in which hurt, anger, mistrust and selfishness are bred.
THE EXERCISE:
Want to be heard? Try listening. Over the next week, practice setting aside your right to be heard and listen to what your spouse is trying to communicate. Find out what he or she needs from you and find a way to deliver. Ask if what you've done was helpful. If not, ask what more you can do. Remember, if you're doing this for each other, your spouse should be taking care of your needs too. But don't be afraid to communicate what you need too. Look back at the verse. It doesn't say not to worry about your own needs, it just says to make sure you're just as concerned about the needs of others.
For those of you attempting this on your own, be encouraged. Putting yourself second will be more difficult for you because your spouse has not committed to this as well. But if you practice this exercise, it will be very difficult for your spouse not to notice a change and respond differently. Above all else, remember to keep praying for yourself and for your spouse.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Welcome
Welcome to my blog. My name is Abby and I am a practicing Marriage and Family Counselor. I have a true passion for helping marriages succeed and, at least for a while, this will be the focus of this blog. Please join me for a free weekly tip and exercise on how to improve your marriage. Invite your friends! Even if your marriage is already great, I think that you will find it even more satisfying as you commence on this journey.
Obviously, it would be ideal if you and your spouse would follow these tips together. Some of you may find yourselves in a less than ideal situation, however. If that is the case, I invite you to use these steps on your own to make an impact on your marriage. You might be surprised by the response you get!
Let me close by adding that I will be praying for you throughout this process. Feel free to post any questions or comments that you may have along the way.
Obviously, it would be ideal if you and your spouse would follow these tips together. Some of you may find yourselves in a less than ideal situation, however. If that is the case, I invite you to use these steps on your own to make an impact on your marriage. You might be surprised by the response you get!
Let me close by adding that I will be praying for you throughout this process. Feel free to post any questions or comments that you may have along the way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)